Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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