My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
