I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
