Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I looked at my own cervix.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
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