You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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