Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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