It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
