saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I need to calm my uterus...
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
