You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
