Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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