Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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