I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
