My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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