I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
