There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
