so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
