Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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