ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
