what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
