3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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