Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
