The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
