Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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