dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
