He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
tonight lets celebrate not being married
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
