A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
