I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
