I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
