ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
