I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
