The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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