My pussy is not your playground.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
