The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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