Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
