her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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