I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
