Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
