$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
