Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
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