i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
