I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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