there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
