just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
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picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
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DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
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