This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
