so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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