There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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