Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize
