It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
