whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
What drink are we having for lunch?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
