Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
