I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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