its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
