I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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