When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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