My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
