Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
