well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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