I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
