I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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